The Curse of Skeleton Munroe

Category: Kinks Mason

  • MONSTER, CRITTER AND CREATURE ROUND-UP 003

    I hope everyone likes monsters as much as I do because there are a whole lot of them to cover.

    Beaked Tyros:

    When polar explorer Anthony Conrad gets lost in an Arctic storm and falls through a hole in the pack ice, he reasonably expects to meet his demise. Instead, he falls into the subterranean kingdom of Artica and is chosen by the elderly Artican king – also a stranded former surface explorer – as his successor. 

    As part of the coronation process, Anthony must prove his mettle to his prospective subjects, and step two of that process is Thrilling Arena Combat with the horrible beaked tyros “Lord of Artica’s Jungles,” and I love this thing. Though it looks like just another low-rent carnosaur at first glance, upon closer examination it has many bizarre features, including weird bird legs, thin, unpleasant-looking teeth, radially-symmetrical hands that are possibly equipped with suckers on the palms, and skin that is described as “hairy” in the caption box. Truly this is a strange and wonderful beast that sadly must be chopped up in service to the story. (Cyclone Comics 001, 1940)

    the Beast:

    When asked to prove his worthiness to wed the Princess Ahloo, our hero Abdallah knows exactly what to do: ride directly to a nearby valley full of dinosauroids and slay one of them. Though one of the pteranodon-adjacent flying reptiles that confront him when he enters the valley would probably be sufficient to satisfy Ahloo’s father, Abdallah instead opts to battle a creature referred to only as the Beast, a possibly-fire-breathing, possibly-carnivorous sauropodoid that give him a truly heroic-level challenge. And it works! He gets the girl! (Funny Pages v2 003, 1937)

    the Birds:

    These vulture-monsters come very close to destroying the Blue Bolt on his very first adventure. They are only prevented from doing so, in fact, because they work for the Green Sorceress and she has become infatuated with Our Hero here on sight.

    I’m always a big fan of these kinds of monster birds that up the ante on deadliness by throwing most of the birdliness of the creature out the window and instead give them the body plan of a griffin. Really great stuff and my only note is that some of the tails are very unpleasant to look at. (Blue Bolt v1 001, 1940)

    Bolu:

    Meg and Mickey are two children who have access to a magical time-travel stone and use it to just kind of blunder around throughout history. In this particular instance they have ended up in the Stone Age and are only saved from being eaten by some uncharitable portrayals of our collective ancestors by the appearance of a dinosaur, called Bolu by the cavemen and of course far, far more out of place than two 20th Century kids could ever hope to be. There is some indication that the bolu was summoned by the Spirit of the Stone to save the two from becoming dinner, but if that’s the case then why do the cavemen already know about it? (The Comics 007, 1938)

    Carnicantileia:

    The swamp-dwelling carnicantileia briefly menaces Flip Falcon and his associates during one of his early adventures when he mostly uses his fantastic time-and-space machine to go to Mars. It’s a pretty impressive snake-style beast, and as such it’s a real shame that it is killed in such a goofy way, by having a big rock thrown down its gullet. (Fantastic Comics 003, 1940)

    Carnivoplant:

    The carnivoplant is a classic man-eating plant, subtype seaweed, that almost kills adventurer Kinks Mason before it in turn is preyed upon by a swarm of phosphomites. And just what are phosphomites, you may ask? Contextually, they are small glowing creatures that eat carnivoplants, and that is all the information we get. (Fight Comics 001, 1940)

    Cave Monster:

    Modern day cowboy hero Bull’s-Eye Bill and his companions meet this cave reptile while pursuing an outlaw, and as I previously observed, it was clearly meant to set up an adventure into a prehistoric underground world that subsequent creators chose not to take advantage of. 

    As for the one beast that we do get to see fight some cowboys, I really appreciate how lizardy it looks, as well as how it seems to be posing for maximum dramatic effect in every panel, even when killing a guy or writhing around in its death throes. (Target Comics v1 007, 1940)

    the Ozix:

    Someday
    when I post a picture of a creature that is just a big cat with some extra stuff stapled onto it in one of these round-ups I will be able to refer to it
    as a standard type of creature, but I simply haven’t done the work yet.
    The ozix, then, is a beast with the body of a leopard and the head of a
    crocodile – how novel a concept! Adventurer Congo Jack must slay this
    one during his adventures under the earth. (Lightning Comics v2 002,
    1941) 

    Dakk:

    Returning to the adventures of King Anthony in the sub-Arctic world of Artica, here we see him as he is about to tour his kingdom on the back of a domesticated dakk, and I must say that I like the very beast-of-burden look that they have given to this creature’s head. Sadly, this particular dakk has been poisoned as part of an attempt to assassinate the new king.

    This assassination attempt is only partially successful, as Anthony survives the fall into the jungles of Artica but is then placed in further peril at the claws of the various creatures that live there, such as this amazing giraffe-patterned water lizard.

    Though he escapes the lizard, Anthony is almost immediately attacked by a great horned tigrid, which is is of course a regular tiger with two little horns on its head, and another example of what I was talking about in the ozix entry.

    Finally, after stumbling upon the roots of the conspiracy against him and dealing with them violently, King Anthony makes his way home on a humble unicorn. (Cyclone Comics 003, 1940) 

    the Storm Monster:

    A giant reptilian beast that plagues an African village on a yearly basis (during a huge storm, natch), the Storm Monster meets its end after swallowing Kaänga whole, upon which he carves his way free of its guts with his trusty knife. (Jungle Comics 021, 1941)

  • ALIENS AND SO FORTH ROUND-UP 040

    Weird humanoids as far as the eye can see!

    Demon People: 

    The Demon People are seemingly native to the dimension that Breeze Barton travels to in his first adventure and are in conflict with Miracle City and its population of immortals. Even though their major goal is to get through the dimensional aperture and invade Earth, I would have a lot more sympathy toward them (eternal neighbours really must be the greatest test a people could have, after all) if they weren’t also huge slavers. I do really like the one big wing/fin that they have on their back, even if I can’t figure out what it could be for. (Daring Mystery Comics 003, 1940)

    Jupiterians:

    The Jupiterians, or more specifically the South Jupiterians, are a peaceful, swamp-dwelling people who want to live somewhere other than a swamp and have thus decided to enter into a colonial relationship with Earth. And it works! Against all historical precedent, the South Jupiterians are soon the proud owners of a new city called New Washington! No strings attached!

    The real threat to South Jupiterian sovereignty comes in the form of a diplomatic envoy of lop-eared North Jupiterians under the command of Princess Eelo (whose own long ears are presumably concealed under that kicky headscarf). They represent the bad kind of colonialism, in contrast to the warm fuzzy colonialism of Earth under Captain Nelson Cole, and it takes a plague scare and the complete destruction of New Washington to shift them. Back to work, South Jupiterians! (Planet Comics 009, 1940)

    Link People:

    Comics and other genre fiction are of course chock full of speculative missing links, but the key thing about the missing link concept is that it represents the bridge between ape and human. The idea that the missing link is instead some sort of humanoid reptile that just kind of ignores the existence of mammalian evolution and instead posits (I think) a chain of reptile -> reptile-man -> ape -> human is very weird!

    This being a comic book, such a wild speculation by a collection of white-haired scientists is of course 100% accurate, down to the location and architectural style of the Link Person community. Among other things, this means that the Descent of Man image is going to have to be heavily revised, and also that diver Kinks Mason is immediately sent in to bother this untouched society.

    Fearing that a mere photograph will not be believed, the scientists opt to kidnap one of the Link People, thus completing their introduction to humanity via a whirlwind of violence, death and loss (okay, they do try to sacrifice some of the scientists to their gods, but I think that they might have been justified). (Fight Comics 005, 1940)

  • ALIENS AND SO FORTH ROUND-UP 040

    Weird humanoids as far as the eye can see!

    Demon People: 

    The Demon People are seemingly native to the dimension that Breeze Barton travels to in his first adventure and are in conflict with Miracle City and its population of immortals. Even though their major goal is to get through the dimensional aperture and invade Earth, I would have a lot more sympathy toward them (eternal neighbours really must be the greatest test a people could have, after all) if they weren’t also huge slavers. I do really like the one big wing/fin that they have on their back, even if I can’t figure out what it could be for. (Daring Mystery Comics 003, 1940)

    Jupiterians:

    The Jupiterians, or more specifically the South Jupiterians, are a peaceful, swamp-dwelling people who want to live somewhere other than a swamp and have thus decided to enter into a colonial relationship with Earth. And it works! Against all historical precedent, the South Jupiterians are soon the proud owners of a new city called New Washington! No strings attached!

    The real threat to South Jupiterian sovereignty comes in the form of a diplomatic envoy of lop-eared North Jupiterians under the command of Princess Eelo (whose own long ears are presumably concealed under that kicky headscarf). They represent the bad kind of colonialism, in contrast to the warm fuzzy colonialism of Earth under Captain Nelson Cole, and it takes a plague scare and the complete destruction of New Washington to shift them. Back to work, South Jupiterians! (Planet Comics 009, 1940)

    Link People:

    Comics and other genre fiction are of course chock full of speculative missing links, but the key thing about the missing link concept is that it represents the bridge between ape and human. The idea that the missing link is instead some sort of humanoid reptile that just kind of ignores the existence of mammalian evolution and instead posits (I think) a chain of reptile -> reptile-man -> ape -> human is very weird!

    This being a comic book, such a wild speculation by a collection of white-haired scientists is of course 100% accurate, down to the location and architectural style of the Link Person community. Among other things, this means that the Descent of Man image is going to have to be heavily revised, and also that diver Kinks Mason is immediately sent in to bother this untouched society.

    Fearing that a mere photograph will not be believed, the scientists opt to kidnap one of the Link People, thus completing their introduction to humanity via a whirlwind of violence, death and loss (okay, they do try to sacrifice some of the scientists to their gods, but I think that they might have been justified). (Fight Comics 005, 1940)

  • ALIENS AND SO FORTH ROUND-UP 031

    ALIENS AND SO FORTH ROUND-UP 031

    Great value for your alien and so forth dollar today: seven for the price of four!

    the Nameless Ones: 

    “The Bingham Boys” was a short-lived feature about twin brothers Billy and Bobby Bingham and their dipshit friend Specs inserting themselves into the life of adventurer Dusty Travis. I their first appearance, the trio tag along on what turns out to be a flight to Mato Grosso, Brazil to search for a clue to the fate of lost Atlantis, for some reason.

    Dusty’s plane crashes thanks to Specs just randomly pushing buttons (I didn’t call him a dipshit for no reason) and the group are quickly set upon and captured by a group of morphologicaly-diverse beings called the Nameless Ones. In a tremendous display of both good and bad luck, the Nameless Ones’ leader – called the Oligarch – confirms that they are the descendants of Atlantis that the four are seeking, but also indicates that they will immediately be sacrificed.

    The Bingham Boys et al cannot be contained by a bunch of scaly weirdos, of course, and once they fight their way free it is time to learn the connection between Atlantis and this extremely inland city, right? WRONG, SUCKA. The Oligarch of the Nameless Ones is extremely serious about the “secret” part of “the secret of the Nameless Ones and Atlantis” and blows up the city rather than giving either Dusty Travis or the reader any kind of satisfaction. (Silver Streak Comics 015, 1941)

    Goors:

    Diver Kinks Mason is testing out a new diving apparatus when a rogue current drags him into an underwater cavern willed with the wreckage of lost ships. There, he encounters two battling groups of aquatic humanoids: the fish-eyed Goors and the conventionally-attractive Proconos.

    Kinks throws in with the Proconos due to the one-two punch of them being led by a hot lady and then telling him that the Goors are evil slavers. We can only hope that they were telling the truth because he proceeds to lead them in an attack that wipes the Goor city off the sub-oceanic map. Using war beasts that look like a cross between a plesiosaur and a duck, to boot! (Fight Comics 001, 1940)

    Grangonians: 

    Space adventurer Flint Baker and his reporter pal Mimi Wilson are noodling around in space one day when they happen upon an old worn-out planet full of immortal old people. These are not the Grangonians but a completely and annoyingly unnamed group. The Grangonians show up later, don’t worry.

    These old aliens have a problem: they discovered the secret to immortality too late and now they are trapped on an old planet. This reflects a kind of… folk belief?… that you get in old science fiction and especially in old science fiction comics, that planets have a sort of life cycle that starts out all swampy and primitive and covered in dinosaurs and ends in dusty ruins. If you’ve encountered this at all it’s probably in the notion of Venus being a younger and thus wetter planet than Earth that continues to crop up in comics into at least the early Sixties.

     

    Flint and Mimi transport the old aliens to a newly-discovered solar system full of young, vibrant planets, and sure enough they become young aliens as soon as they step foot on the surface of their new home. This is when the Grangonians come in, as their planet (Grango, natch) has been hit by a meteor and they also want to relocate to Planet Dinosaur. Though the Grangonians have more in the way of overt firepower, a combination of dinosaur attacks, old alien technology and Flint Baker’s heroic antics eventually drives them off.

    Both the Grangonians and the old aliens are essentially just regular humans, and while the notion that intelligent life basically looks the same wherever it evolves isn’t exclusive to the “planetary ages” style of sci-fi, it does usually go hand-in-hand with it – just as planets have a life-cycle, so too does the life on them emerge in predictable forms. (Planet Comics 005, 1940)

    Timid Giants:

    The Timid Giants are very appropriately found on the Planet of Timid Giants, where they just kind of keep to themselves. The planet very briefly sees some drama as a group of space explorers are terrified by the Giants’ size, but some light bullying by the Red Comet is sufficient to demonstrate how harmless the aliens are.

    The real threat on the planet are the Stickers, ant-sized aliens who live to torment the Giants and are all too happy to move on to human targets, including a shrunken Red Comet. The Stickers suck. I hate them and their weird cartoon baby faces.

    It turns out that the one thing that can spur the Timid Giants into action is a threat to the life of another, and so one of them eats the Stickers to save the Red Comet. This results in a sequence in which the Comet in turn has to fly his shrunken spaceship inside the giant to save him from being stuck internally, after which he fumigates the entire planet, and while I must still morally be against murdering an entire intelligent species by god do the Stickers make it hard. (Planet Comics 007, 1940) 

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 645: SNEELY

    (Fight Comics 004, 1940)

    Kinks Mason is deep sea fishing with some friend when one of them lands a swordfish that is covered in gold and jewels! Just where did these riches come from? The answer is unguessable!

    Upon reaching the ocean floor, Kinks discovers that the swordfish was covered in pirate gold, and furthermore, he finds the pirate! Sneely (Pirate Terror of the Seven Seas, the Great, the Magnificent) is an old-time pirate who claims that he drank a magic potion that allowed him to live seemingly indefinitely underwater and who guards his ill-gotten treasure both personally and with a school of trained swordfish. Is attaining near-immortality and then spending it guarding a pile of shiny metal that only has value if you actually spend it on something a huge waste? Indeed it is! It’s absolute dragon behaviour is what it is.

    Sneely is exactly the kind of weird wild completely un-fleshed-out villain that you get for a character like Kinks Mason who a) isn’t one of the real top-tier guys in the book he appears in and b) has a niche role. Every issue, Kinks dives into the ocean for 5 to 8 pages and he has to find a challenge to overcome down there and sometimes it’s a, immortal amphibious pirate with the world’s most Xtreme Hoarding Problem. 

    Probably the best thing about Sneely is the one that never got capitalized on: that he’s seemingly still alive at the end of the story, as Kinks Mason just konks him on the head with a thighbone before making off with the treasure. And while an immortal amphibious pirate squatting on a pile of gold at the bottom of the ocean is a bit of an underwhelming idea for a comic book, an immortal amphibious pirate who Wants His Treasure Back is a cool recurring enemy. I say BRING BACK Sneely, in concept if not as an actual character.

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 643: THE MASTER

    (Fight Comics 003, 1940)

    Kinks Mason is back on the case! And just what sub-oceanic mystery is he attempting to solve by just wandering around underwater? Why, it’s Just Where is All the Salt Going? And somewhat astonishingly, he figures it out almost immediately: it’s going into this building.

    The building turns out to belong to a race of ocean-dwelling humanoids referred to only as the Amphibians, though I can’t imagine that that’s what they call themselves. I kind of appreciate how generic their design is, like a greatest hits of underwater humanoid features with the single eye added on for flair.

    The Amphibians are ruled by the Master, who similarly is a fairly generic comic book undersea ruler villain: he and his people have developed some cool offensive technology and are now out to conquer the surface world. The most intriguing thing about this whole setup is just what all the salt is for – I kept hoping that everything would be powered by a big glowing salt crystal but no such luck. 

    (Also the Amphibians refer to their tech as a “poison ray” but later it seems to be a generic ray gun, and while I of course appreciate an evocative name I would much prefer to see a ray gun – preferably salt-powered –  poison a guy)

    Kinks Mason is of course not going to stand for this sort of nonsense and so for the second time in as many issues he possibly wipes out an intelligent underwater species, this time using stray torpedoes from all of the partially-destroyed submarines littering the seafloor around the Amphibians’ base. Do adventure heroes ever have crises of conscience about this kind of thing?

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 643: THE MASTER

    (Fight Comics 003, 1940)

    Kinks Mason is back on the case! And just what sub-oceanic mystery is he attempting to solve by just wandering around underwater? Why, it’s Just Where is All the Salt Going? And somewhat astonishingly, he figures it out almost immediately: it’s going into this building.

    The building turns out to belong to a race of ocean-dwelling humanoids referred to only as the Amphibians, though I can’t imagine that that’s what they call themselves. I kind of appreciate how generic their design is, like a greatest hits of underwater humanoid features with the single eye added on for flair.

    The Amphibians are ruled by the Master, who similarly is a fairly generic comic book undersea ruler villain: he and his people have developed some cool offensive technology and are now out to conquer the surface world. The most intriguing thing about this whole setup is just what all the salt is for – I kept hoping that everything would be powered by a big glowing salt crystal but no such luck. 

    (Also the Amphibians refer to their tech as a “poison ray” but later it seems to be a generic ray gun, and while I of course appreciate an evocative name I would much prefer to see a ray gun – preferably salt-powered –  poison a guy)

    Kinks Mason is of course not going to stand for this sort of nonsense and so for the second time in as many issues he possibly wipes out an intelligent underwater species, this time using stray torpedoes from all of the partially-destroyed submarines littering the seafloor around the Amphibians’ base. Do adventure heroes ever have crises of conscience about this kind of thing?

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 642: QUEEN OF THE WEED PEOPLE

    (Fight Comics 002, 1940)

    After spending so long with Sub Saunders in the far-off year 10 000 it’s a bit strange to detail an undersea menace that he isn’t battling but here we are and our focus is present-day adventurer Kinks Mason, who sets out with nothing but a helmet that extracts oxygen from seawater to solve the mystery of just where all these missing ships have been getting to and ends up discovering an underwater civilization of seaweed people.

    (I really like the Weed People, as they are referred to in the text a couple of times – their krinkly kelp frond aesthetic is very pleasing to me. It’s quite different from the look of Kozar’s Sea-Weed Men but I enjoy them in a similar fashion. Just something about humanoids made of seaweed, I guess)

    Weed Person society is dependent on a giant whirlpool-powered chlorophyll manufacturing plant. Just where this infrastructure came from and how the Weed People existed without it is not elaborated upon – did their primitive ancestors subsist on naturally occurring chlorophyll or spend their days basking in the sun photosynthesizing and then completely abandon that lifestyle once some unnamed Weed Person genius created the machine? Plausibly!

    Chlorophyll isn’t just the Weed Person staff of life, however. It also turns humans into Weed Creatures, which, though they look and are named similar to the Weed People are in fact distinct and who serve as slaves of the Weed People in their bid to take over the world.

    The Weed People and their Queen have made the crucial mistake of not being genre savvy enough to know that any lone adventurer, particularly one with an action hero-y name like Kinks Mason, should be killed immediately and they end up dead for their trouble. Specifically, Kinks goes ahead and blows up the chlorophyll machine, dooming all Weed People society to extinction. Hopefully there’s some hipster Weed Person subculture on the fringes of society still harvesting chlorophyll in the ancient ways because it tastes better, if only for the sake of Kinks Mason’s conscience.

  • NOTES – SEPTEMBER 2024

    Honours: 

    Yank Wilson gets the Distinguished Service Medal for his efforts in preventing the the nation of Hondu (a Japan analog) from pulling a sneak attack on the US naval bases in Hawaii. I reckon that this is where Yank Wilson stops plausibly being in the near future and becomes a contemporary series – note the 3/4s perspective FDR. (Fantastic Comics 009, 1940)

    Samson’s sidekick David: lariat champion of his Boy Scout troop three years running. There’s a reason he gets to run around with a super guy! (Fantastic Comics 010, 1940)

    Undersea adventurer Kinks Mason gets an unspecified medal for bravery for rescuing a bunch of folks from the Weed People. (Fight Comics 002, 1940)

    Fate of the Missing Link:

    Despite the Missing Link conceptually being an intermediate evolutionary stage between apes and humans and thus being something that is by definition no longer extant, the darn things keep showing up. This bunch, a kind of amphibious ape-lizard-caveman, were found by Kinks Mason living at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. (Fight Comics 005, 1940)