The Curse of Skeleton Munroe

Category: good henchmen

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 636: THE SERPENT LADY

    (Fantastic Comics 012, 1940)

    We open on Mephisto, the Dreaded Poison Serpent, attacking a small boat and making off with its inhabitants. For a split second I am excited – maybe this is our long-sought criminal animal! – but then I remember the lessons I learned from Cephalopoda the Octopus and rein myself in.

    And it’s a good thing I did, for Mephisto is a mere tool of the mysterious Serpent Lady, who lives in a golden city in an undersea cave and rules over a population of bald creeps who need blood to live. Maybe? It’s possible that they just like blood. Either way, this is why she has been using her cool snake to kidnap surface dwellers: their delicious blood.

    Sub Saunders will not stand for blood theft in his god-given ocean. He slays Mephisto and a fair few bald-headed creeps but leaves the Serpent Lady alive and at liberty. Will she be returning? I read ahead a bit and yes she will!

    UPDATE 1941

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 636: THE SERPENT LADY

    MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 636: THE SERPENT LADY

    (Fantastic Comics 012, 1940)

    We open on Mephisto, the Dreaded Poison Serpent, attacking a small boat and making off with its inhabitants. For a split second I am excited – maybe this is our long-sought criminal animal! – but then I remember the lessons I learned from Cephalopoda the Octopus and rein myself in.

    And it’s a good thing I did, for Mephisto is a mere tool of the mysterious Serpent Lady, who lives in a golden city in an undersea cave and rules over a population of bald creeps who need blood to live. Maybe? It’s possible that they just like blood. Either way, this is why she has been using her cool snake to kidnap surface dwellers: their delicious blood.

    Sub Saunders will not stand for blood theft in his god-given ocean. He slays Mephisto and a fair few bald-headed creeps but leaves the Serpent Lady alive and at liberty. Will she be returning? I read ahead a bit and yes she will!

    UPDATE 1941

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 627: CHONG

    (Fantastic Comics 010, 1940)

    Chong is basically just a pirate, but there are three things worth noting about him. The first is that his name is Chong in a comic book published in 1940 and he is not a horrendous Asian stereotype of one sort or another. It’s a low bar and he cleared it with aplomb.

    The second thing is Chong’s weapon of choice, an enormous spiked wheel that rises out of the depths to wreck ships. It’s not precisely a War Wheel but so far it’s a close as we’ve seen and since the real thing doesn’t actually debut until 1952. Is it the most efficient way to loot ships? No. Is it a huge spiked wheel? Yes.

    The third thing is just how bad Chong is at killing Sub Saunders. Sub handily avoids the ersatz War Wheel, two goons and two explosions in quick succession and while, yes, not getting killed by villains is basically a hero’s entire job they usually end up getting knocked around a little bit at least. Chong doesn’t even manage to ruffle his foe’s hair.

    Even the appearance of Zobbo, Chong’s amazing man-ape bodyguard, barely fazes Saunders. Chong is just that bad at his job.

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 618: THE GREAT WHITE CHIEF

    (Fantastic Comics 007, 1940) 

    The Great White Chief is a chubby scientist who wears stirrup pants with no shoes or socks and lives in a dormant volcano (that he makes look non-dormant using special effects) where he makes animal-headed monstrosities like Cinu the Unicorn Man here. This is all very good classic villain stuff.

    The name is pretty annoying. It implies a lot about his relationship with the native peoples of wherever his volcano is located (probably Africa as he has kidnapped the daughter of an ivory trader) and so I am constantly on edge while reading about him, waiting for him or Captain Kidd to say or do something really racist, but nothing concrete ever happens. But the name!

    I guess the only thing to do is to focus on how fun a design the unicorn man is. Look! Captain Kidd is stabbing him with his own horn!

    After finishing off poor Cinu, Captain Kidd gets the drop on the GWC and socks him into a boiling sulphur pit. I was going to make a joke about Kidd being just as weirded out by the name as I was but then I remembered that Captain Kidd is himself pretty racist. Welp…

    Hey look, more animal headed people! Check out that bird head!

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 618: THE GREAT WHITE CHIEF

    (Fantastic Comics 007, 1940) 

    The Great White Chief is a chubby scientist who wears stirrup pants with no shoes or socks and lives in a dormant volcano (that he makes look non-dormant using special effects) where he makes animal-headed monstrosities like Cinu the Unicorn Man here. This is all very good classic villain stuff.

    The name is pretty annoying. It implies a lot about his relationship with the native peoples of wherever his volcano is located (probably Africa as he has kidnapped the daughter of an ivory trader) and so I am constantly on edge while reading about him, waiting for him or Captain Kidd to say or do something really racist, but nothing concrete ever happens. But the name!

    I guess the only thing to do is to focus on how fun a design the unicorn man is. Look! Captain Kidd is stabbing him with his own horn!

    After finishing off poor Cinu, Captain Kidd gets the drop on the GWC and socks him into a boiling sulphur pit. I was going to make a joke about Kidd being just as weirded out by the name as I was but then I remembered that Captain Kidd is himself pretty racist. Welp…

    Hey look, more animal headed people! Check out that bird head!

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 617: MOROSIO

    (Fantastic Comics 007, 1940)

    Like so many Space Smith adventures do, this one begins with Space and his ladyfriend Dianna being waylaid as they make their way around the Solar System. In this case a mysterious gas disables their spaceship and causes them to land on the moon Ganymede. From whence did this gas come? Why, it was the sinister laboratory of Morosio, not just a mad and/or criminal scientist but a mad and/or criminal scientist who has already been caught once and escaped to do further science crimes and/or madness.

    I like his sass (“Say Emperor Morosio”) and I love a villain with pre-baked backstory but I gotta say that Morosio’s hair leaves a lot to be desired.

    The really great thing about Morosio is that his henchmen of choice are these fellows who he made with his own two hands. They’re called the Crustaceans and they are peak character design. The base model is the size of a large cat, with a lobster body and a crab claw head, but they can range in size all the way up to maybe five feet tall. They have between zero and two arms and either have wings or little bipedal legs… I think that given a more advanced colour palette and a visual guide to different crab claw shapes you could populate an entire video game enemy ecosystem based off of the Crustacean design.

    The major flaw in the Crustaceans as henchmen is that they are vulnerable to radioactive beryllium, in that it makes them explode. Coincidentally, Ganymede is littered with radioactive beryllium, to the extent that not only is Space Smith able to defeat the entire Crustacean swam using a slingshot but also blow up Morosio’s whole operation to hell and gone with some spare radiation. A true design oversight!

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 614: KOZAR

    MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 614: KOZAR

    (Fantastic Comics 006, 1940)

    Once again the nations of he world of the year 10 000 CE are faced with an oceanic menace. Twenty ships have been sunk – seems like a case for Sub Saunders! Could we be faced with yet another jerk ruler from the population of undersea humans? It seems likely! (aside: gotta give a shoutout to Thog here: having a name like that in a comic from 1940 is absolutely an early indicator that you are a villain yet he has rejected nominative determinism to instead serve the public goo. Good on ya, Thog)

    But no! After five issues and four separate evil underwater rulers we have a c-c-c-combo breaker in the form of Kozar, a scientist with a weirdly concave face. I mean, sure, he is an antisocial guy who does rule an area under the ocean, but he’s originally from the surface! It’s totally different!

    Kozar has some terrific henchmen at his disposal – forget your Frogmen and Mermen: the Sea-Weed Men are the new greatest underwater goons of the year 10 000. I especially like that their flowing fronds accidentally evoke the 1970s stock character of the Fringed Clothing Hippy.

    Kozar’s motivation for sinking airships and killing hundreds of people is an unspecified rejection by society. The two most common reasons for this type of rejection are for having really wild out-there scientific theories or for being a creep/looking like a creep and if it’s not stated outright then you can usually tell which it is. It’s not crystal clear with Kozar but… I reckon he was a real creep and a half.

    Kozar actually manages to defeat Sub Saunders pretty decisively by catching him in a mechanical clamp! He actually might have won, except for the fact that his undersea base has one small design flaw: if someone’s not constantly monitoring the air pressure etc it will flood and implode. To me personally that seems like an important thing to have multiple automatic failsafes and backups on but what do I know, I’m not a mad genius. Maybe the real thing that Kozar was rejected by society for was his rejection of OSHA guidelines.

    Though the story ends on a bit of a melancholy note we must take heart that the Sea-Weed Men are okay. Maybe without the stress of being under the thumb of a homicidal madman they can build a free and just society on the ocean floor.

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 613: DR MARTINIOUS

    (Fantastic Comics 006, 1940)

    Dr Martinious holds a few distinctions. First, he is an Earth scientist who travelled to Mars on a rocket ship of his own design, an impressive feat and one that seems to have endeared him to the Brain Men of Mars sufficiently to make him their leader.

    Secondly, he is an early cosplayer. Note his pseudo-Roman outfit (better view below). This is the outfit of a person who showed up on Mars after reading a lot of pulp fiction and early comic books that populated planets with societies themed after their mythological namesakes – see early Wonder Woman, e.g. How disappointing for Martinious when he showed up and the place was chockablock with cute little big-headed cyborgs! It’s just lucky for him that they’re up for a good war.

    Thirdly, Dr Martinious has the dubious distinction of being the antagonist of a non-Fletcher Hanks-produced Stardust the Super Wizard story. It’s not a particularly bad effort but something is subtly off in a way that makes one feel uneasy while reading it. It’s actually not unlike the sensation of reading Hanks’ work for the first time, so good job unnamed artist!

    The Martinious/Brain Men plan involves flooding the planet with either huge insects or giant bacteria or some hybrid of the two? Big bugs, we’ll say. It’s never expressly spelled out but an attack like this is usually deployed to weaken a planet prior to invasion. Martinious never actually gets that far, however, because Stardust shows up to render aid to the Earthlings.

    (of course Stardust’s solution – to soak the entire planet in ultra-powerful germicide – would probably be just as disastrous in the long term as presumably huge swaths of essential microbial life would be wiped out, but this is a comic with a shaky understanding of the difference between insects and bacteria so don’t hold your breath for that reveal to happen in-story)

    Where a lot of villains would use this as an opportunity to spit defiance at their foe, Dr Martinious instead sinks into despair. He and the Brain Men lock themselves up in a ray-proof fortress to sulk. He also finally gives us a good look at his cosplay, which is nice.

    Martinious never emerges from his funk, so the final act of the story is in the hands of these cute Brain Men assassins, who at least try to kill Stardust. Do they get hurled off a mountain for their efforts? Yes. But it was worth a try.

    Like I said, Martinious never emerges from his ray-proof fortress, and that’s because it’s specifically a death ray-proof fortress. Concentrated solar heat rays are very effective against it. RIP Dr Martinious, you didn’t do a very good job.

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 605: EELO THE FISH MAN

    (Fantastic Comics 005, 1940)

    I guess I have some initial sympathy for Eelo the Fish Man. It can’t be easy being a whatever-he-is in regular human society, let alone a resort island in the middle of the Indian Ocean. He might even be a sympathetic villain if literally his first act wasn’t to kidnap three women as breeding stock for his proposed new amphibian master race.

    Eelo’s plans also confound me: are they long or short term? He gasses on about creating a perfect amphibian race but that’s gotta take at least twenty years (setting aside unpleasant speculations about how one would scale up production in such an endeavour) but meanwhile he’s sinking entire resort islands for his own use. Is he merely counting on surface world society to not look for their island?

    A lot of my confusion about Eelo’s plans stems from the fact that the story never really goes into what exactly he represents. Is he a member of an underwater civilization and his henchmen (somewhat boringly called “the Amphibians” throughout) the same? Then why does he need to kidnap all those wives? Is he a human mutant? Then what are the Amphibians – costumed goons? Mutated goons? If they all stem from the same mutation source then why not just get a bunch of guys and run them through it?

    Regardless of his plans, origin or disposition, Eelo the Fish Man ends up just like so many Samson foes do: dead via the force of a big punch.

  • MINOR SUPER-VILLAIN 601: THE THINKER

    (Fantastic Comics 004, 1940) 

    After a couple of stories worth of interruptions, Space Smith and Dianna either finished the Brain off between issues or they and/or Fletcher Hanks forgot that he was an immanent threat to life on Earth because this issue finds them following a mysterious radio signal to sight-see a rare gold comet as it passes by the moon.

    Instead of watching the comet on its flyby, Space and Dianna are hit with a ray that disables their spaceship before being drawn to the surface. There they find themselves the captives of the Thinker and his army of headless goons. And here let me say that while it is not great that the Thinker’s only stated goal is to acquire Dianna as his “Empress-Goddess”, there is a clarity of purpose there that is a bit refreshing after seeing so many villains attempt to wed unwilling women as a mere opportunistic afterthought.

    Whether the Thinker had greater plans or if getting married to a woman and keeping her in a “flame-girdled Cage of Solitude” was his only goal in life will have to go unanswered because he learns the same hard lesson as so many other big-headed creeps in comics do: all of your big-head smart plans can be undone in an instant by some thoughtless violence. 

    RIP the Thinker: you should have controlled for muscleheads.